Happy New Year

I always think of myself as not-so-serious. Not because I have a non-serious disposition but more because I think my head throbs when I am being serious. So I try to make things lite in my life. But nothing unheavy is coming my way and it's all about fatherhood and fathers. So at the risk of a splitting head ache, I need to face this with all seriousness.

The year 2009 will be a year of great expectations starting with the first few days. My baby boy is due January 8. I am going to be a father soon. And depending on the doctor's availability, I will be getting the result of my father's biopsy of his tumor right about the same time.

If one is in my position which should be the feelings to entertain first? The joy and excitement of becoming a father or that sadness and grief of having to face the illness of my father. It's not unlike a sweet and sour dish, except that I'd rather just have the sweet part.

So 2009 matter-of-factly will be about my being a father and my father. Sans emotions, that's that. The women in my life (my wife and my mom) will be there, thank God. And they probably will be the key to help all of us survive this year.

So my friends (who are able to read this blog at this point), to me, 2009 will be a lesson on the circle of life. There will be no need for pity or grief for me. But I definitely will need the prayers. For strength (for me and my family) to face this tumor (which I hope is benign) and strength (for me and my wife) to be great parents to our future son.

Lot's of changes in my life this year. Major ones. I don't know how to go about it but I guess there's always the cliche of starting it with a single step. One day at a time. Promise, I won't forget to breathe.

Happy new year!

Can I Cry Now?

First, it was the pulmonary mass in the x-ray result, it's inconclusive, they say.  The realist in me wants to scream the big C but the eternally-hopeful-all-rainbows-and-butterflies me wants to reject it.  Besides, it's too early to tell.  So we followed the family doctor's in-denial advice to check for other pulmonary diseases.  There was a slight improvement but the second x-ray is still showing the mass.  Now we go for the more reliable CT Scan.

The result still screams pulmonary mass and the doctor is asking for a biopsy.

How can that be when two years ago your lungs were clear?  I can't help but remember the benign mass in your thyroid.  Which makes me hopeful that this is benign, too.  It could be your incessant smoking since high school, no matter if you already stopped more than a decade ago (note to self: stop smoking).  I remember you always complaining about back pains.  All these trivial things that I did not mind.

Sigh.

Yours were the strong arms that held me.  Now you are so skinny, although not quite skin and bones yet.  Your face is now gaunt but that doesn't distort how I see you, you were always handsome.  Why do you ask for me before you go for any major medical decision?  Why do I have to share that burden?  Why do you show me that you are weak and need me to be by your side?  It's sweet, I know.  It makes me love you more, you always showed me your love.

Sigh.

Papang, be strong.  I know you are.  That's why I am strong, too.  Ever since I was a little boy, you made me feel physically secure.  Now that you are fearful, I am too.  But I will make you feel secure.  With our prayers.  With my love.  Our love for you will help calm you.  The only thing that needs to be done is to say it out loud.  I still am hoping that it's not the big C.  But I can't help it, I want to cry.

Can I cry now?